WildnightRcalling blog post

So with all this time, I started to study myself

I honestly reviewed the places in my history I felt happy... Looking for the missing link to HAPPINESS...

I could find no link...
One time I would be happy in a miserable situation, the next time I would be miserable in a great situation... There seemed no logic, rhymes, rhythm or cause and effect.

I kept searching...

Finally I realized I had the answer all along, but because I didn't like the correct answer, I ignored it.
Because it challenged every bit of my life's investment in bad investments...

Happiness is a choice, that has nothing to do with anything but that choice.

I was responsible for my choices, I was not manipulated, coerced, my choice, was absolutely my choice...

I realized this sitting in a room, after learning my step daughter had died, one of the few people in this world I respected.
I was not unhappy, sad.... Just glad, happy, I had helped her learn to ride a bike, how to read, how to think, how to overcome obstacles.
What was sad about having had such incredible events given?
I could not be around anyone else because they were all sad, and I was not
I did not have contact with her in her last years, I looked at the photos, she was well kept, her friends in every photo where all focused on her.
She was incredible and even they knew it.
I didn't morn for the time in her last days I missed, if she had needed dear evil step dad, she knew, all she had to do was ask....
But she wanted to do it herself....

I remembered her first adult amusement park ride, at six flags, how at the gate I had explained she was tall enough to ride the big rides, and wanted to know which she choose first.
It was the swinging pirate ship, so I told her the only way to get the full effect was not to hold on to the safety railing/bar....
We got in the farthest to the end seats, best ride, longest free fall(by nanoseconds) and her hands shot up above her head and her eyes glowed with fire, intent, conquest...
She never once grabbed that bar, her mouth open in a scream of pleasure.
The guy next to her, was freaking out, she was rising several inches up floating in her seat in the same freefall astronauts do in the aptly named vomit comet plane. He tried to push her hands down, she swiped him away, and the look from myself to that man, was simply touching her again and that will be the last time you feel that arm attached, was clear.

We got off the ride, my heart pounding, everyone who was facing her, smiled...
She looked up, finally after the ride, she could speak, "Thank you evil step dad".
Later that day I almost died they say, riding a ride with her, I had severe congestion and was barely able to walk, I had done two shots of nyquil cold medicine, to keep going.
In the ride that spins, I was showing her how to lift her feet, how to spin to a upside down position as the force held us to the wall, as the rides operator was screaming at us...
I figured it was the turning upside down part ...
They stopped the ride as soon as we were feet down again, two park security officers removed me from the ride by force, I thought out of anger. I explained that if they did not remove their hands, I would take it as a threat to my life and act accordingly, a off duty police man their came over, showed his badge, and made sure they did not touch me again.

As they explained, I was not being removed for turning upside down, etc... though they preferred I didn't do that, but they had responded because the ride operator said that during the ride at high speeds she saw I looked pale and thought I was having a heart attack...

They wanted me to leave the park, I refused, told the wife to show her business card, being she is employed by the 4 or 5th largest law firm in the USA, and stated try me!

I was willing to die, and die happily as long as I could continue watching my baby enjoy herself, to be here for these first, one of kind moments. I was willing to fight to the death for that right, willing to spend eternity in hell for that joy....

For my babygirl, home your still having fun,
Out there, and scaring the universe with you intense intent!

That was what broke my investments, how could I cheat such a being by making bad investments that would harm her, or teach her to make bad investments...
I could not, would not, death was by far better.